I want love
by Tinyniel
Summary: Short little fic attempting to explain why Severus Snape is who he is. Won't take a min to R&R, so please do


Disclaimer: If I wrote "I want love" or came up with Snape and the world around him, I would be rich. I'm not rich. Elton John and JK Rowling are. So nothing's mine, save the idea… 

Song; I want love, by Elton John. 

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This used to be a songfic, but I took the song out because it didn't really fit. I've kept the name though, because the song inspired me to write it. 

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I want love

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Snape sat alone in his office, a stack of essays next to him. He hadn't started it though. In fact, his mind was far away from potions, grades and Hogwarts. 

He had lost count of how long it had been since he had last seen her. 10, 20 years. He didn't know. He didn't want to know. The thought alone was too painful. 

He had loved her. Most of his students, and most of the people who knew him, would think it impossible for Severus Snape to be in love. But they hadn't known him then. Yes, he had loved her. And she him. At least he thought she had loved him… He wasn't sure anymore. But it didn't matter. He had ruined it. He could still remember the sight of her in the doorway. "You've made your choice, Severus. Now I am making mine."

He had made his choice. And what a choice it had been. To this day he could not understand what had possessed him to become one of them. A death eater. It hadn't taken him long to regret the decision. But then it was too late of course. You didn't leave Voldemort. Not unless he made you. Not unless he killed you.

Severus shuddered. He was lucky to be alive after all. If Voldemort had found out… if he had known that Severus Snape, one of his most trusted servants, was working against him… The very thought of what he would have done made Severus' blood freeze.

He had lost her. He had lost her because of some silly idea of power. "There is no good or evil, Severus. Only power and those who are too weak to seek it." Indeed, he had been lulled by Voldemort's promises of power. Glory. Respect. All the things Severus had never had. Had he known then what he knew now, what he was going to give up, he would never have joined.

How could have done such a thing? She had been the most important thing in his life. All that mattered. He would have done anything for her. Anything. 

Severus closed his eyes, trying to remember her face. Not that it was hard. It was there all the time, even when he didn't want it to. Her eyes, twinkling at him. Her smile. She could light up a room with that smile. The way she used to tease him about little things. The way her hair danced when she shook her head. How, even when she was angry, she never raised her voice. How she always won arguments. He had never figured out how. 

He tried to shut her out again, knowing it was in vain. He didn't want to think about her. He didn't want to remember…

Power… He would have given up all he now had, or had ever had, to get her back. What did power matter? Why was glory important? And respect? She had respected him. Had that not been enough for him?

No, it hadn't. A childhood, and youth, of being shut out. Laughed at. Teased. He had never had friends. Not even his fellow Slytherins liked him. Not much had changed. Few of the students, and teachers, liked him now either. But at least Dumbledore did. At least he trusted him. He had proven himself worthy of Albus Dumbledore's trust.

Snape picked up a roll of parchment. 'Harry Potter.' He owed that child more than he liked to admit. Harry Potter had earned Severus the trust of Albus Dumbledore. Snape himself had approached Dumbledore about Voldemort's plan to kill the Potters. He had fed Albus information for months in forehand. But he had missed the most crucial piece. He had failed to discover Peter Pettigrew's place in it all. That little rat. Snape had known he was a death eater. Yet, the thought of Peter being Lily and James secret keeper… It hadn't even crossed his mind. Now, it seemed so bitterly simple. He should have known. If he had known, Lily would still be alive today.

How he, Severus Snape, had gotten Lily Evans, was still a mystery to him. He wasn't popular. He wasn't very nice either, though that was mostly due to the fact that no one was nice to him. Why should he be kind to the world when all it was so cruel to him?

But Lily, she had understood him. She had talked to him. He had been terrible to her at first, thinking someone had put her up to it for a laugh. But she had persisted. She really did like him, he later found out. 

No one knew about them, of course. A Gryffindor and a Slytherin? The very thought was laughable. Severus thought of how his fellow students would have reacted. He could almost hear Lucius Malfoy. "A Gryffindor… and a mudblood?" No, for anyone to know about him and Lily would have been impossible. People knew, of course, that Lily Evans had a boyfriend. She was pretty, popular. But they all assumed it was James Potter, which proved very convenient. Lily fuelled the rumours, keeping the attention away from her and Severus.

He had been happy back then, for the first time in his life. He should have known it was too good to be true…

It was Lucius Malfoy who had first approached him. Told him Lord Voldemort had heard about his skills. That he wanted him to join them. "Make something of yourself, Severus. You know it's your only chance." He had said 'no'. Told him to leave. But the words had eaten away at him. Maybe Lucius was right. 

He had never told Lily of course. Now he wished he had. Maybe things would have been different. Surely they would. She would have told him that he mattered to her. That he didn't need to prove himself. Oh, how he wished he had told her.

But he hadn't. And when Voldemort himself came… How could he decline such an offer? It was almost as if Voldemort's words had hypnotized him. Deep down, he knew it was going to cost him Lily. Yet he had failed to see it. And now it was too late. 

There had never been anyone else after her. There couldn't be. She was the only woman he had ever loved, and the only one he would ever love. And now she was dead. And maybe, just maybe, if he had been honest all those years ago she would still be alive.

There was a knock on the door, and it shook Severus back to the present. "Enter," he said quietly, and Albus Dumbledore came in. "Have you forgotten the staff meeting, Severus?" he said in his usual, mild tone. "I believe I have, headmaster," Severus excused. "I will be along shortly." Dumbledore nodded, and left the room. Snape glanced at his desk, put the essays away, and straightening his robes he followed Dumbledore.

-the end-


End file.
